One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
You Might Also Like
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point