I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.