EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
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Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.