I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
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me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.