9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
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I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
guys I’m going home
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them