Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
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My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.