Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
You Might Also Like
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop