[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
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The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.