I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
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Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I don’t get marriage
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
My plans: 2020:
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask