Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
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Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?