Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
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Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
thanksgiving in nutshell
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary