“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
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Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation