Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
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Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Nomnomnomnom
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Van Gone
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Banking tips
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?