Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
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I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
when you are just born a rebel
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.