A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
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TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog