This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
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I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Somebody needs to get my shit together.