When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
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[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
January is lasting longer than my marriage
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.