Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
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7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu