Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
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god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Waiting for the Charmin
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Introverted vegans go meetless
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.