When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
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I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
This is a whole mood;
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
happy mother’s day❤️
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.