See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
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Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”