STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
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I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Clients after you give them your rates
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
This hospital has everything