him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime