Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
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Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it