[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
You Might Also Like
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”