My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
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ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.