Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
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Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
☺️
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.