i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
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Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
My background check bounced.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa