[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
You Might Also Like
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Check your privilege
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.