BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
You Might Also Like
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER