police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
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word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Yes
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…