my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
You Might Also Like
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth