Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
You Might Also Like
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’