Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
You Might Also Like
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
me irl
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I think the cat got the dog high.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.