quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.