Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
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The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
lmao
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes