I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
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WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this