Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
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“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
just leave it at the foot of the bed
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”