Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
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I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
(Electricians.)
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
his wife is probably gonna see that
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.