my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
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White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
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*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
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Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
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Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
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[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
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no
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Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
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Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
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Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
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