PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
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I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.