Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
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(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
only 11 steps left
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.