Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
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My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Tell the colonel to bring it
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that