“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
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The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
who named him groot and not spruce lee
i really liked this one
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
also my go-to takeaway order
Wise advice
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.