I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
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We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there