Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
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As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I WON A HAM TODAY
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
True.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I can’t wait!
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds