HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
You Might Also Like
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.