this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
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The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.