coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
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fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Feels
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this