When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
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*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
peep davidson
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search